scarlett johansson

028 ---> good and bad.

good ---> i went out with brittney, chelsea and ashley tonight and we went to king tut's cafe and smoked hookah for a good hour or two. we went to filiberto's for dinner (aka the best mexican food you can get on this side of the border) and there's this tattoo parlor right next to it. when we pulled up in my new 2007 honda civic lx brittney and i automatically said to eachother "we should get tattoos". then when we got out of my car, chelsea and ashley were like "kayla you should get a tattoo." all three of them of course have tattoos. i was like the oddball out and wanted one really bad. so, we went to this parlor that they all go to on university and forrest and i got a nautical star on my shoulder. now all four of us have nautical star tattoos. crazy.

bad ---> peter and i are done. forever. goodnight. i'm serious this time.

edit:// time for a random meme.

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don't stop loving

027 --- crying at night like usual

it's like it's impossible to talk to him. it's either he doesn't listen or he just doesn't understand. he's too goddamn thick headed. but, then he always fucking says something that makes me want him to just fucking hold me like i wasn't just at the point of putting a gun to my head because i'm so fucking annoyed with him. how can one person make you feel so many different ways at once?

my emotions of peter in the last twenty mintues
one: annoyance ---> he likes lifting and i have an incredible love towards music. and when we talk about those two things it's like i can't stand anything that he says. like he's just the dumbest person ever.
two: anger ---> i get really mad when he bring up drugs, my surgery and my fear of porcelian dolls and starts making fun of me for it. he doesn't realize that he's making fun of me. but he is. and i hate it.
three: frustration ---> he always is like "i didn't say that, but okay." or "i don't ever make fun of you, but that's cool", like i have no right to feel that way.
four: infatuation ---> then he makes me feel like i have butterflies in my stomach.

goddamn him.
scarlett johansson

026 ---> men are the scum of the earth

to the two most important men in my life:

dad ---> you kicked me out of the house because i was never here during school. here's a news flash, i stayed home every night in high school. i stayed home every fucking day and every fucking night and turned down my friends to stay home. but, now that i'm in college and actually want to have i'm throwing my life away? now, i'm never here? fuck you. the only reason i'm never here anymore is because i don't want to be around you. i don't want to be around your pessimism and your fucking stories that you tell that have no relevance to anything. i'm sorry you were 43 when you had me. i'm sorry i'm the only child of your three that you've had to "survive" the teenage years through. i'm sorry your doing to me what you did to mom. i'm sorry i can't just hop in a plane and move a million miles away from you. you have your life and i have mine. my life used to revolve around what you wanted me to do. it's time for me to make my fucking decision. and i decide to live my own life. i decide that if i want to go have a good time with my friends, i'm going to. i decided that if i want to take summer school to boost my gpa...i'm going to. and i decided that if i want to move half way across the nation to play softball and go to a university instead of quitting the one thing i'm truely good at in this world to stay at home with you, i'm going to do it. because you aren't my rock anymore. you're the pebble stuck in my shoe. you whine and cry because i'm becoming my own person, because i can actually do things by myself. but, you won't even let me do that will you? no! because i'll always be your fucking baby girl. well, guess what? i'm no fucking child.

peter ---> i'm sorry that when we were together that we never understood eachother. i'm sorry that you mean so much to me. i'm sorry that as soon as we broke up i tried to get over you by getting with danne. but, what i'm really sorry for is the fact that i let you're sweet-talking, good looks, and the fact that you'll do anything for me get the better of me. i haven't been myself. myself would have been gone with a tear shead months ago. myself wouldn't have given a shit whether you were hurt or not. i let my guard down ever since i've met you. you treat me now better than you did when we were together. do you know that in a few days we'll have been "together" for six fucking months? do you know how much you hurt me every time you kiss me? you kiss me like you want me. you hold me like you never want to fucking let go. like you'll lose me forever. i pour myself to you. i tell you i'm sorry, i ask for forgiveness. i just want to be with you. but, you are stuck between me and her. you'll always be stuck between me and her. you're hurting me more than anything and you can't even see that. you act like you want me there. you act like you want to forgive me. but, she'll always be there. she'll always be there telling you how much she wants you to be with her and reminding you how you can't forgive me. i just ask you one thing. please let me go if you aren't willing to forgive. please put me out of my misery so i can move on and not be hurt the moment you run off to her like you always do. please do me that little favor and chose to forgive or not to. because it hurts to go through every day wondering where i'm going to be with you. it hurts wanting to be with you and you asking me to spend the night and us not being a couple. it hurts me more than ever. please just do it. brain in working

025 ---> life utterly sucks.

so, this past weekend was the regional tournament for njcaa division one softball and my school (central arizona college) and eastern arizona college were in the championship. fast forward to the seventh inning with a score of ten to nine in favor of cac. now picture the eastern batter bunting a ball foul up in the air down the third base side. now picture me (the third baseman) trying to change directions quickly and my knee popping out and back in. yep. i may have torn my acl ligament to shreds. we don't even know yet for sure. lets say "pain".

this means i'm most likely having surgery in the next few weeks. which eventually means no summer ball for me and no fall season for me. i'll be just getting back in time for the regular season in 2008.

i'm going to be a sophomore and i have five universities interested in me for after my sophomore year and none of them know that i'm injured. not only am i injured...but, i have the worst possbile injury someone can have for their knee.

go me.


i just read back in my entries from a while ago. i'm possibly the biggest idiot i know. i mean...i was in "love" at one point. i don't even fucking know what love is anymore. in fact, i'm with this amazing guy and i don't even know if i can call him my boyfriend anymore. for god's sake, i did the most unforgivable thing to him and he's still here for me. i feel like i should love him. like i should be announcing how awesome he is to the entire world. but, love? love is such a strong and unnecessary word. people shouldn't love. love causes problems. love makes us think and when humans think things go wrong. people die.
one: don't mess with the radio

024 ---> my life is a prime time soap opera.

what will your life soundtrack be?

1. open your library (itunes, winamp, media player, ipod, etc)
2. put it on shuffle
3. press play
4. for every question, type the song that's playing
5. when you go to a new question, press the next button
6. don't lie and try to pretend your cool... and alot of the songs fit with the setting.

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well, that was rather random. i'm sure none of those songs, except like three, fit.
i'm the girl all the rockstars sing abou

023 ---> where's my psychologist? i found a pattern.

gotta get it back to, a back up plan to find you, start acceleration, take it back to square one.

so, there is something horribly wrong with my mind. i was just rereading my last entry and i found, yet another, pattern. i always come crawling back to my online, bloggish, place of thought after i break up with the current significant other. yeah, peter and i are finito. we're better off as friends. we're like practically best friends it seems, or just like to create the illusion that we are. like, right now, he's on his way back to school from him house in mesa to take me to walmart because i don't have my car and i desperately need to finish my psychology project.

guys should be allowed to function sometimes. they all should be battery operated and made for one thing and one thing only. oh, wait, that's why God invented the vibrator. so, why the hell do men still walk the earth? goddamn humanity.

oh, i got kicked out of my dad's apartment on sunday. that was all good fun. there were tears, name calling and the stealing of car keys. what a bitch. honestly. heather had just gotten dropped off at the damn apartment and my dad kept being a bitch and giving me dirtier-than-hell dirty looks. and then he just like went off on me. it was insane. basically, the entire night was full of drama.

1. i got kicked out of my house.
2. peter didn't come pick me up.
3. deanna and ashleigh came and picked me up.
4. tears.
5. depressive ranting and raving.
6. drinking and beer pong.
7. camel 9 ciggies.
8. raspberry and cherry hookah.
9. passing out on the couch watching the coyote ugly competition on cmt (while waiting for someone to come get me, which never happened).

kristina told me that dating peter changed me. which is kind of a crazy thought. after about an hour of ranting and raving i finally understood what she meant and she was one-hundred percent right. i make this promise now, never to fucking change for a dick again. hold me to that or may i die.
i'm the girl all the rockstars sing abou

022 ---> it's the chemisty of a car crash.

on a rainy monday, i feel it inside me, in the hopes that one day, you'll find me.

i'm such a slacker. really, i get these blogs and shit and then i get back to college life and everything goes topsy turvey, head over heels, this whole rollar coaster feeling. i'm trying so hard to revert to how i was when it's just me. just me sitting in my daddy's apartment with nothing to do but chill.

so, here's what's new on the menu. boyfriend. his name's peter. he's pretty much amazing in his own sick and twisted sometimes an asshole sort of way. no really. he truely is a good thing for me. i like him a lot. now, when i say this, this isn't the same "like" as tyler (asshole boyfriend that i spent wayyy too much of my life with and now wish would burn to a crisp in the firey depths of hell). i actually truely like this guy. it's kind of scary. i've never really liked someone. sure, i've dated and had boyfriend and shit. but, he's different. now, i feel insanely cliche because "he's different". but, he is. fo sho.

softball is the worst part of life thus far. i thought i had it bad before when softball was my one outlet from the terrorizing lifestyle my parents led. nope. no longer do i love running onto a field and having fun. now. now, it's a fucking job.

but, i must go now. the boyfriend is about to rush into my dorm room to kick my ass for calling him a pussy in three, two ...
i'm the girl all the rockstars sing abou

021 ---> a dark congregation

so we stand here now and no one knows us at all, i won't get used to this, i won't get used to being gone, and going back won't feel the same if we aren't staying, going back to get away after everything has changed

so my sleeping system is beyond fucked up. yesterday, i only slept for two hours. when i got to work at nine in the morning i took one of our one hundred dollar nylon jackets and used it as a pillow on our coach and slept for a whole hour. ronel finally woke me up when we were opening and was like:

ronel: "kayla, get up we have to work now."
me: "i don't want to work."
ronel: "oh suck it up"
me: "you suck it up."
ronel: "you're on fitting rooms."
me: "that's cruel and unusual punishment."

i love ronel, but he should have let me sleep longer. sarah, erwin and i took abercrombie model pictures around the store, they're pretty hot. i'll see if she can get them to me so i can post them.

speaking of pictures of have a bunch of really dark, really bad pictrues from new years. and lauren has yet to post her pictures so ... we'll have to make due. sadly i'm too lazy at the moment to upload pictures.

i'm too lazy because it's one in the morning. i don't even know how long i've been sleeping for. i just randomly woke up and it felt like it was almost time to work. no. i work in nine hours. i've been sleeping for like nine billion hours.

dane: "you'd be in a coma!"
me: "oh dane."

i'm going to update my ipod now like a good girl. man, i really wish i had my ipod thing for my car ... in my car. i left it down at school in my desk drawer. what it was doing there? i have no fucking clue. but, it's there. and that really pisses me off because i'm about to go buy a fucking new one because i'm so pissed i don't have it with me right now. plus, it's like broken anyway. my car's little power outlet is fucking stupid. it like doesn't even work and that pisses me off. so, i'll probably make a cd for when i go to work today so i'm not listening to shit music. since the cds i made before school got out kind of annoy me now.

peace. love. chicken wings.


ok, so it's 1:41 in the morning and my dad just randomly comes in to my room to tell me that he's disappointed in me because i haven't done anything physically since i've been home. he says that all i do is sleep and go to work. and that's just annoy bullshit for him to come in here and say that to me. he's such a bitch.
i'm the girl all the rockstars sing abou

020 ---> we're ready to go, go, go

so, i had a great new years. yeah, i didn't get to see andrew (current boy fad) but, i had a blast hanging at brock's apartment with lauren. we're the perfect drunk couple (i think she may have actually kissed me last night too ...). i got pulled over on the way to the party though. the cop said i was going 43mph in a 35mph && that they had to be super strict because it was new years eve. he only gave me a warning so it wasn't like life threatening. he was a hot cop too ... ooo, he was delicious. he can pull me over whenever he wants. his partner was pretty cute to, according to lauren. brock's party was pretty legit too. it was a bunch of people from my high school, the majority graduated a year or two ahead of me. it was a lot of fun ---> beer pong, beer bongs, a keg, shots a midnight, kep stands, dancing with girl's boyfriends. it was a night to remember. probably the best new years party i've been to in a while. lauren and i lost at beer pong but, whatever ...

work was super slow today. there was like nobody in the store && we closed at six. after we closed a bunch of us starting talking about sex for some random reason. it was really funny though. i can't even being to explain what the fuck we were talking about. all i really remember is that audrey is going to molest our male forms. awkward.
i'm the girl all the rockstars sing abou

019 ---> 2007 here we come

so today is new year's eve and the boy i want to kiss at midnight isn't going to be at the same party as me. that's depressing. i'll probably have to call him.

also! i'm hanging with the bff lauren-dizzle and britni-fizzle. so tonight is going to be a picture fest. except a major photo update tomorrow after i get home from work. haha.

only like a few more hours till lauren comes over! massive excitement. and i need to call britni so she can come over too. man, i'm a lazy ass.


goodbye lame 2006 and hello bright and friendly 2007!

going to this semi-thingy with the bff lauren. going to get crunk and dance widly in our pretty dresses! and win at beer theory. so, the next time you hear from me hopefully i'll have achieved my new years resolution..

now just to think of a new years resolution.

possible new years resoutions
1. become a new person
2. get a tattoo
3. move in with lauren
4. marvel at new text message ring tone
5. love my sidekick